Trusting God

My last month has been a blur. It is a haze of work and home with little snippets of joy tucked here and there. The chronic pain that I live with is at an all time high, so I tend to crawl inside my despair and hang out there alone and wait for the pain to pass. A little over a month ago, I found myself crying in my orthopaedic doctor's office. This led to a procedure last Friday which will hopefully provide some relief.
I'm currently reading Trusting God by Jerry Bridges and it is giving me some great insight into God's sovereignty and our response to adversity in our lives. The ideas I had conjured up about why bad things happen really weren't based on scripture, but based more on a Pollyanna idea of God's goodness. Those ideas worked for me for a long time until I asked God to grow me up as a Christian and I went all in. I like answers. I like looking back on past events and seeing a bigger picture that was obscured until all the dust had cleared. I guess I feel so miserable in my pain sometimes that I found some comfort in trying to understand what God was trying to teach me in it and that there was some grand purpose that God would reveal to me. It would all be made clear and I would have peace and I can hear a choir of angels singing as God reveals a glorious purpose for my suffering. Not! If I'm getting it, that is not it at all. What I need to be doing is nothing more than trusting-just trusting-not understanding.
God is sovereign-his ways are not my ways-his wisdom is beyond anything I can comprehend. I honor God by trusting him. My prayer needs to be God, I do not have to understand, I just trust you. It doesn't mean that I won't see God's purpose or he won't reveal the bigger picture to me; it just means that if I want peace, I need to stop trying to find comfort in understanding God's wisdom. I just need to trust that all things are for his glory and my good. "An unreserved trust of God, when we don't understand what is happening or why, is the only road to peace and comfort and joy." (Trusting God)

Psalm 131:2 I have stilled and quieted my soul.

I'm linking my attempt to unwrap my pain to Tuesdays Unwrapped over at Chatting at the Sky.

Still Busy

I'm still drowning in busy, but have found some truths to cling to during this season of being overcome with tasks. I love this scripture. I love knowing God will be my portion. Lamentations 3:22-24 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

My gratitude list continues:
41. walking on cold days
42. spinach
43. Baby Willow
44. new jeans
45. conviction of right & wrong
46. interruptions from God
47. my new hairdo
48. FCA
49. Christian parents at school
50. prayers of my little girl

Plan b & Renee Swope

My day started out very rushed with one thing or another making me take deep breaths and saying " okay, so let's move on to plan b". Plan a was just not gonna happen today. I would love to tell you that I am this wonderfully patient woman that handles curveballs without so much as a flinch, but it would be just a big ole lie. Today though I would like to humbly thank my heavenly Father for his gift of deep breathing and reminding me that my circumstances will pass, but his joy would stand firm through the challenges of getting a family off for the day.

I had read this earlier (before the morning got out of control) and had even printed it out and tucked it into my journal.
It's from Renee Swope's blog and it's simplicity really spoke to me this morning.

An strong oak or a puney pine?

Before Christ, I felt like a weak and wimpy pine tree. Tossed by the winds of my emotions. Defined by my circumstances. Uprooted by life's storms. Despair was my story.

But in CHRIST - I am rooted in God's love. With Christ I am...Strengthened by life's storms. Transformed by trials. An oak of righteousness, planted for HIS glory!

Because of Jesus, that is what we are...

They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor. ~Isaiah 61:3

I'm linking this to Tuesdays Unwrapped over at Chatting at the Sky.This oak tree stood firm through the winds of Katrina.

A Bump

Last week I hit a bump. It made me quiver inside and I felt my resolve give in to ideas and thoughts that would only create distance if spoken out. I prayed and cried. I told God every angry thought I had about the situation and then I told him my biggest shame was letting a problem in this life rob me of my peace and joy. The weight in my chest eventually lifted and I chose to praise God and to trust him. "I have no hope but you I cried and in that moment something died". I grew a little that day.

Hebrews 10:35-36
Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

I'm linking to Tuesdays Unwrapped over at Chatting at the Sky

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm officially 47 today. I make it sound like I have been waiting on it to get here. Today we travel to the coast to spend the holidays with my husband's family. Saying we are going to the coast sounds much more glamorous than we are going to Mississippi. It is the beach though. Looking so forward to getting there. I still have my secret love affair going on with Mississippi and ask God each day if we should go. I've also realized that I don't pray enough about little things. My big list where I pour out to God about my children's futures and major events or needs I take before him regularly, but I don't think I'm trusting God to work in my everyday things. It's not that I don't think he cares or would intervene, it's just that I think I know what he would want so I act without laying it before him. My gift to myself today is a commitment to take each thing before him and ask for his direction.
I loved the way my mantle turned out this year!

Phillipians 4:6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. NLT

Happy Birthday, Jesus

This morning I find myself waking up renewed and I'm feeling encouraged by my lack of aches and pains. A couple of weeks ago, one of our vocab words was "looming" and I have been fighting off the feeling that Christmas was "looming" over me. That will certainly rob you of any joy you are feeling. I'm really looking forward to Christmas; it's all the things that must get done to get there that start to turn it into such a chore. I read this devotional this morning and thought what a sweet idea it is to remind us of the real gift we are celebrating this season. Today I'm unwrapping the gift that will never break or cease to bring me joy-the gift of Jesus. I'm linking this to Emily over at Chatting at the Sky.

This is our new nativity set that I found in a local shop. It's called the Happy Birthday, Jesus Nativity Set. It's one of the best impulse purchases I've ever made. The little story with the set said that the elves dropped to their knees and began to pray at the sight of the newborn child.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.

Pain again

I feel as if I've been sucked into the vortex of chaos again. My last post was a couple of weeks ago and I was feeling very good and I mean in all ways, spiritually, emotionally, physically which is a big deal. So I was just minding my own business driving to work and wham, I get t-boned. I spent the next few moments shaking off the shock, assessing the damage, and trying to remain calm for the teenage girls that had plowed into me. (I drive through a high school zone each morning on the way to my middle school.) No one was bleeding, the cars could be driven, everyone had insurance and my looking for the good in the bad worked in those moments. Anyway, the car accident created more "things" to deal with like insurance adjusters, rental cars, doctor appointments, and phone calls. The next day I felt like a train had plowed over me and the pain I had worked so hard to rid myself of came back with a vengeance. My three months of physical therapy on my shoulder was wiped out in that one moment. The new medication that had started working to control the overall pain I felt on a daily basis stopped working overnight. The clenching of my teeth that is triggered by stress and creates pain in my face, neck, and shoulder that had been alleviated by letting a chiropractor pop my neck for the last three months suddenly returned. The pain in my shoulder is unrelenting; it now radiates down my arm. It speaks to me all day and keeps me awake at night. I have asked God for healing and relief. You see my life ticks on. I do not have the luxury of stopping and wallowing in this pain. I still enjoyed hosting Thanksgiving, going with my family to see the Rockettes, doing a little shopping, getting out the Christmas things, going to church, teaching sixth graders every day, and just being with my family. Today I'm asking God what I need to do to rid myself of this pain.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Gratitude Community

I've been meaning to do this for some time now. Here is my beginning to counting 1000 gifts I'm grateful for:

1. Hot coffee with cream
2. Leaves raining from the sky
3. A good night's rest
4. Reading glasses
5. The Bird giggling in her sleep


John 15:7-8, "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

Blogs I read...

I love to read. If I could have a day to myself, I would probably pile up in a chair and read. This morning I found myself wide awake at 4:00 a.m. and got excited at the prospect of having so much time to "read" this morning. I found myself on Lysa TerKeurst's blog and really appreciate how God uses her to get through to me. Her post on the Eight Simple Words spoke directly to my heart. Also Chapter One of her book is posted and I've known for a while that I wanted to buy that book, but am now more convinced that I am supposed to read it. Anyway, I just like her. She's funny and seems so down to earth.

Last night I wanted to do some chores and was a bit distracted by a problem I had at work yesterday. My Bird called to me, "Mommy, come help me wash piggy." My first thought was that we needed to be heading to the tub ouselves, but instead I sat in the floor and gave pretend baths to The Bird's Blabla collection-piggy, doggy, and froggy. We giggled and laughed and washed them all clean. This cat was not in the group that received pretend baths.

John 3:30 He must become greater, I must become less.

Reign in Us

On Wednesday morning I woke up with a song playing in my head-Reign in Us. It has stayed with me all week and whenever my brain gets quiet or I have a minute, it floods into my thoughts. I love the chorus, but also the verse that sings out:

Spirit of the living God fall fresh again

come search our hearts and purify our lives

we need Your perfect love

we need Your discipline

we're lost unless You guide us with Your light

Returning to work last week was hard and this week brought classrooms full of sixth graders. This morning my reading gave me the question related to John 17:6 about how do I reveal God to those around me. I felt extremely resentful earlier this week about another task at school a coworker had "decided" would be a good thing for me to handle. My first thought was "how dare her dictate what she thinks I need to be doing". Now I do have a legitimate reason why I should not do this task, but in the end I decided that I should and I'm glad I did. Mainly I'm glad because I think it is what God wants me to do and I don't have to create conflict by not doing it. I know God gave me light this week by showing me he is in control and working in my life. I'm his and I don't have to react in a worldly way to the people I interact with each day in the world.

John 17: 6-10 6"I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. 7Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. 8For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. 9I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. 10All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.

Morning Routines

I have so many things on my mind right now and do not even know where to begin to share. I'm all over the place and feel the unrest and the fast pace of life creeping back in. One issue I really struggle with is not letting my attitude get wrecked. I can talk a good talk about trust and casting my cares upon the Lord, but do I really? My best laid plans yesterday (aka the first day of school) were running smooth till I had to involve other people in them. I left my house so frustrated and was determined not to let the anger I was feeling get the best of me. Driving to school I turned up the CD player as loud as I could and asked God to give me back my peace and joy as I sung along to Everlasting God . Thank goodness, God will not grow weary, because I hadn't even pulled into school yet and felt defeated. My attitude was still ugly for a bit, but I let it die out and did not nurse the self-righteous convictions I was having at how wrong the other people (aka T-Bone) had been that morning. We still need to talk about morning routines, but at least I'm not angry anymore. I'm smiling...

John 16: 31-33 "Do you now believe?" Jesus replied. "A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Calm before the storm?

I was so glad this morning to be able to get up and not have to scoot out the door. It has made me a bit angry each morning that I couldn't hang out and read blogs, sip my coffee, be alone for a while before the family starts moving. Several things hit home this morning and I feel so thankful that I had the time to reflect on God's word and then stumble upon various blog posts that encouraged me. It feels like I had time to chat with friends even though it was reading posts from people that are virtual strangers. (My scripture today made me think of how we are all part of this huge body of Christ that is connected through the internet.) Funny how God uses technology to guide us. If I'm keeping it simple this week, I need to get on the ball and accomplish some things for the good of the order. Monday will bring a classroom full of students and I don't want my home to feel chaotic. Meals to plan, clothes to wash, planning for school, shopping, icky house to clean, and many other things that need to happen.

Colossians 3:15-17 "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

August 4th

I just realized that today was August 4th. It's the second day of back to school for me. My school looks all shiny and new. I walked into a newly painted and floored room with no furniture in it. I managed to round some up and am trying to smile. I'm glad I have a room because it means I have a class of my own. Reading-my favorite thing to teach. (can you see I'm counting blessings, so I'm not going to mention the chalkboard).
Back to August 4th, my son is supposed to board a plane out of Kandahar, Afghanistan today and head home for a two week leave. This is what he looked like the day we sent him off to war. I'm thinking he will look pretty much the same. I don't want him to be different. I've prayed a hedge of protection around him. I've asked God to surround him with Christian friends and to give him peace in a land of turmoil.
It's a waiting game now, but hopefully by week's end I'll be seeing him again. What are you waiting for?

I'm unwrapping the gift of a son coming home from a far away land and linking this to Tuesdays Unwrapped over at chatting at the sky. I enjoyed reading her post this morning.

John 15:7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.

Holding On To Summer

Summer has faded away. The heat is still here and the pool is still open, but for me school starts next week. I intentionally kept this week unscheduled. B is away at camp and T-Bone is very busy with work, so it's pretty much just me hanging out with The Bird. We made our last Monday afternoon to the library yesterday and today we have a tea party planned with real cookies and lemonade. I am not happy about returning to my current position, but at the same time feel God has kept me there for a reason. God knows how I'm always trying to see beyond what is right in front of me and how I wrestle with the future. It's a season of growth for me to trust him, to keep on keeping on, and to know great things are unfolding and that maybe I just don't see it yet. Instead of feeling anxious and sad, I'm going to enjoy every second of one of my last "stay at home" mommy days. I'm going to rejoice and be glad in this day the Lord made and gave to me. I'm going to trust in his master plan for me. I'm linking this post to Tuesdays Unwrapped over at Chatting at the Sky. What are you holding on to today?

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future."

While we were watching The Bird play in the yard last night, T-Bone looked at me and said, "wanna have another one?" My first response is to scream and strike him, and it reminds me of the guilt I feel over The Bird being alone. We didn't start soon enough and I'm too old and too afraid to jump in again. I know I couldn't work with two and I'm our health insurance, so quitting is not an option. Also I am so happy with "just" The Bird. She has my undivided attention and my heart swells with joy when I look at her and see God's blessing on our life.

Philippians 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Perfect Summer Days

Yesterday was a nice day spent with a friend and her daughter. First, we went blueberry picking at Berry Patch farms in Woodstock. We picked until we were very sweaty and the little one asked for water. Our bucket had 3/4 of a pound, which I think is pretty good for a three year old. Next, we went to my friends for lunch and then off to the pool. The Bird loved my friend's neighborhood pool. It had a kiddie pool with fountains and I was actually able to sit on a lounge chair and chat with my friend while thumbing through a magazine. The pool usually wears me out having to be on high alert and I usually just end up staying in the water with her the whole time. Thunder roared in the distance and ran us out of the pool late afternoon. It was a great escape for us, since I knew The Bird was only going to leave her friend and the pool kicking and screaming. My productivity from a couple of weeks ago paid off when I was able to open the freezer and retrieve a bag of bolognese sauce (made from a Pioneer Woman recipe), boil some spaghetti, pop some bread in the oven and bam, dinner was on the table. The Bird was so hungry (even though we had eaten all day off and on) and pratically shoveled her spaghetti down and gobbled up the bread (after licking it first). We still weren't finished and went to swimming lessons. The Bird is now a minnow and quite happy about her newly acquired skills. When we got home, she ate a bowl of corn flakes and after reading three library books fell asleep. The last words I heard from her were" I love you, my mommy" and she was out.

Yesterday was the kind of summer day you want to have and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The friend I was with is fairly new. We shared an office last year at school and have so much in common. I had already had my quiet time this morning and was feeling very motivated and reflective this morning. After breakfast, I did one more email check and had another Crosswalk that I usually don't get (I get Encouragement for Today & Girlfriends in God) called Crosswalk Women. Time allowed me to read it and a passage the author wrote about her journey to write a book really touched me.

"I've discovered the Holy Spirit as my Teacher. I've spent the last 3 plus years watching as He has led every step of my writing journey. I've felt Him stir my heart as words pour onto a page and can catalog His tutorage--how He's led me to just the right person at the right time to learn what I was ready to learn. He never sent new information before I could receive it. But, He always gave it just in time. Only God can do that." (Paula Moldenhauer at http://www.soulscents.us/)
(I'm not writing a book. As you can see, I am not even a very good writer. I'm too careless and hate to proof and edit, but if I get bogged down in that I won't even bother to write.)

What this meant to me was how I was not ready for some things last year and now I see so many things changing. It is like I did not get the things I was needing or wanting until God knew I was ready to receive it. I am thanking the Lord today for continuing to encourage and show me how he is working in my life.

(I wanted to post a picture of the bird picking blueberries, but T-Bone made off with my camera this morning. Here is a pic of the sauce I made a couple of weeks ago. Yes, you should make it too.)

John 14:26 But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things.

Miracles Everyday

God never ceases to amaze me. As I have stood before him asking that he hears my answers, he answers. The answers seem to come while I am not looking. They come when I relax and finally hand over the doubt and fear I had been wrestling with to him. He was going to give me my answers anyway. You have to wonder if he smiles as he watches us hold on to things that we need to hand over to him. I'm enjoying the miracle of a Father that listens, that loves, and that wants me to come to him. Visit Chatting at the Sky for more everyday miracles.

This picture is of Percy. She is my Bird's beloved baby and I never know where I'll find her. I though this was a bag that needed to be folded and stored, but turns out, it was a "sleeping bag". "Mommy, she is sleeping leave her alone."

Pslam 139:17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

Grace

The power to change comes from God's grace. I keep saying this to myself over and over as I feel powerless over so many things. I'm talking daily challenges-housework, budgeting, parenting. There are several things I want and need to change to make life flow better around here. There are habits that need to be changed. Today I'm getting my boxes out and clearing the house. I'm down to three and half weeks of summer break and a house still full of clutter. If we don't love it or use it, it needs to go. Today I'm asking God for his help and confessing I can't do it on my own. I know he cares even about these little things that drag us down.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

What does it mean to be a friend of the world?

My quiet time usually provides me with some guidance and peace for the day, but this morning I used the study notes to continue the sermon from church on Sunday. I'm baffled and confused and asking God lots of questions this morning. The most confusing is: what does it mean to be a friend of the world? Not of people, but of the world system. What in my life reflects the world rather than my commitment to God? I started to wonder if I should be blogging. Also lately, I have disliked Facebook and have been avoiding it, because I am seeing a friend post things about her marriage that I don't like. This was my little unexpected "gift" of the day. Conviction of getting some things right in my life and questioning. I'm linking this to Chatting at the Sky for Tuesdays Unwrapped.

Psalm 40:8 "I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

My Prayer

Psalm 142
You Are My Refuge
A Maskil of David, when he was in the cave. A Prayer.

1 With my voice I cry out to the LORD; with my voice I plead for mercy to the LORD. 2 I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him.
3 When my spirit faints within me, you know my way! In the path where I walk they have hidden a trap for me. 4 Look to the right and see: there is none who takes notice of me; no refuge remains to me; no one cares for my soul.
5 I cry to you, O LORD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." 6 Attend to my cry, for I am brought very low! Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me! 7 Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your name! The righteous will surround me, for you will deal bountifully with me.