My last month has been a blur. It is a haze of work and home with little snippets of joy tucked here and there. The chronic pain that I live with is at an all time high, so I tend to crawl inside my despair and hang out there alone and wait for the pain to pass. A little over a month ago, I found myself crying in my orthopaedic doctor's office. This led to a procedure last Friday which will hopefully provide some relief.
I'm currently reading Trusting God by Jerry Bridges and it is giving me some great insight into God's sovereignty and our response to adversity in our lives. The ideas I had conjured up about why bad things happen really weren't based on scripture, but based more on a Pollyanna idea of God's goodness. Those ideas worked for me for a long time until I asked God to grow me up as a Christian and I went all in. I like answers. I like looking back on past events and seeing a bigger picture that was obscured until all the dust had cleared. I guess I feel so miserable in my pain sometimes that I found some comfort in trying to understand what God was trying to teach me in it and that there was some grand purpose that God would reveal to me. It would all be made clear and I would have peace and I can hear a choir of angels singing as God reveals a glorious purpose for my suffering. Not! If I'm getting it, that is not it at all. What I need to be doing is nothing more than trusting-just trusting-not understanding.
God is sovereign-his ways are not my ways-his wisdom is beyond anything I can comprehend. I honor God by trusting him. My prayer needs to be God, I do not have to understand, I just trust you. It doesn't mean that I won't see God's purpose or he won't reveal the bigger picture to me; it just means that if I want peace, I need to stop trying to find comfort in understanding God's wisdom. I just need to trust that all things are for his glory and my good. "An unreserved trust of God, when we don't understand what is happening or why, is the only road to peace and comfort and joy." (Trusting God)
Psalm 131:2 I have stilled and quieted my soul.
I'm linking my attempt to unwrap my pain to Tuesdays Unwrapped over at Chatting at the Sky.